Feed on

Saved By The Bell

Yes, yes, I have fallen down on my Holidailies duties. I’ve got my first heavy-duty cold in about two years and have taken to a hot bath and been coughing up my lungs since last you heard from me.

In fact I am coughing myself stupid as I type, but besides from my rebellious lungs, I feel pretty good now.

I don’t know if it’s fever dreams or what, but I have had some of the weirdest, creepiest gross-out dreams just lately.

I just woke up from one, and I’m going to record it now before my brain mercifully erases it.

I dreamt I was on one of those extreme cooking shows where they make a lamb-brain fritter drizzled with a gastrique of grass. So, suspend disbelief and join me in dream world, where there are domesticated hairy elephants which are about the size of a goat and are covered from end to end in rough chestnut hair, softer than pig bristles, but stiffer than Labrador hair.

The item we were “cooking” was one of these hairy elephant trunks, and due to the host’s plans, it needed to be hollowed out so it could be stuffed. I was tasked with removing the chunkier and more unyielding slabs of cartilage. That sentence alone should give you a pretty good idea of the gross-out level of this dream. Oh, and we didn’t skin the trunk nor remove the hair. The hairiness was meant to be part of the presentation when it was served. (gag) So, then the trunk was stuffed with cheese mostly and baked. And either end of it (the snoot end and the end where it had been severed) looked like a medical illustration of diseased genitalia.

Right before the celebrity chef (whom I didn’t recognise) was about to start slicing it up, my alarm clock went off.

The night before last was no better. I dreamed that I was taking a tour of some sort of cloning lab, where they were making individual organs and stuff for people who need transplants. At first, I was in a rather cool and hope-for-the-future type of dream. Then the office weirdo blessed me with a special viewing of his pet project. It was supposed to be a person, but what it was was a grey, gelatinous dome about the size of a travel thermos with liver-colored, hairy tentacles, a beak like a parrot, and two milky eyes toward the bottom of the dome. It was dead; it had been soaking in formaldehyde in fact, and the weirdo felt that I should be honored to view its dissection. He wanted to slice it open to see how much progress he had made and what he had done wrong.

The gelatin turned out to be very tough, so he ended up cleaving it with a hatchet. The noise it made was the most disgusting thing, kind of a sucking and crunching all at once, as the gelatinous dome turned out to be interlaced with bands of cartilage and little chips of bone, as well as filled with a viscous pink gel. In my dream, I blew chunks. In real life, I woke up and needed to blow my nose.

Going to sleep has been too damn strange lately.

2 Responses to “Saved By The Bell”

  1. Bev says:

    You’ve been watching entirely too much Food Network!

  2. Meetzorp says:

    Haha! The sad fact is that I never watch the Food Network. I have watched maybe 30 minutes total of cookery shows, and it’s been for somewhat normal stuff, like how to crisp the top of a creme brulee without a torch. I’ve heard about some of the real weird stuff, but haven’t ever seen it in action.

    Maybe I should, to re-set my brain, kind of like listening to the song can erase an earworm!

Leave a Reply