I’ll grant first off, that I haven’t been on this parenting project for all that long – slightly less than a year-and-a-half so far, so the bar is as yet set low, but I have two things that have been on my mental radar of Bullshit I Am Not Going To Visit Upon My Kid. I’m sure there are other things if I sat down and thought about them for a while, but honestly I am scrabbling for precious minutes during a nap to write this anyway, therefore sitting down and thinking doesn’t enter into it.
1. Cleaning his grubby face with my spit on a hankie. Seriously, how fucking gross is that? Very. And yet parents everywhere, since handkerchiefs were invented, have done it. My mom, being the humane sort of woman that she is, made us spit on the hankie ourselves and that is the tradition I have carried on with Bubs. At this phase in his life, he’s a seemingly inexhaustible font of drool anyway, but I make the point of a token command. “Give me some spit,” I say as I swipe drool off his chin with a cloth, then using it to swab away a bit of dried-on banana from near his ear, or a probably-a-booger from the tip of his nose. It’s still kind of gross, but much of the day-to-day business of caring for very small children is at best faintly disgusting, so I have accepted that and moved along.
2. Kiss-it-better. I always hated this scam when I was a child. I’ve always felt that kissing-it-better was a bit condescending, even before I was able to articulate it as such. Clearly, it was a fatuous sop to small children’s credulity, when really, all I wanted was a damn BandAid. Never mind if the injury was bandage-worthy or not, the humble BandAid is the child’s first practical experience with the placebo effect. It’s acknowledgment of the indignity of your average minor injury and far more effective than ritualistic osculation. BandAids are cheap, easy to acquire, and much faster than enduring the protracted whining of a child who patently does not believe in the restorative powers of a kiss. Therefore, I plan on continuing to keep a bountiful supply in the house, backpack, wallet, and baby trailer, as opportunities for bumps, bruises, scrapes, and general small-time physical malaise are everywhere.
If I parked the car any nearer to the garage, it would have to be parked inside the garage.
I actually back in with the window rolled down and my head out to make sure of my distance.
The big deal and my self-imposed parking challenge is that I have to do this all in one go. No pulling forward and re-straightening. Also, this is all done by coasting. I don’t actually put the car in reverse. I put it in neutral and coast into the space. Our house is very near the top of quite a steep hill, so this is all gravity and braking. I suppose it is a savings on the clutch, in any event.
I don’t know why I do this, other than boredom and a desire for a very dumb and mundane challenge. So here it is, a dumb thing I do pretty much every time I drive. See how close I can park next to the garage, all in one go, without using reverse gear. Sa
There is seriously something wrong with me.
Back when I was driving the Honda, I used to get out of the car Dukes of Hazzard style, but now I climb across the front seat to get out. I like this car enough that I don’t leave the windows down and the doors unlocked, plus also risk skinning up the paint on the door with the eyelets on my boots.
The reason I park so close is so that there’s plenty of room between Joel’s truck and my car, so that we can get bikes and the kid trailer through. As to why I don’t park in the garage, that is because the garage is Joel’s bicycle frame building shop, workout room, and general Deluxe Bat Cave.
I bought one of those little “idyllic townscape” rugs for my son’s bedroom, so that he can roll his toy cars around the streets, build on LEGO destinations, etc.
When it arrived, I was quite pleased with its general idyllic-townness. For example, here’s a grocery store next to a stream and look at all of the shopping carts that aren’t in the stream. Very, very idyllic, that.
Then, I got a look at the facial expressions on those cows. Man, those cows have seen some shit. Bad shit.
At age sixteen months (fourteen and a half months, adjusted) young Joseph just nailed a pretty big milestone:
Yepyep, the kid can walk now. He’s only been threatening to walk since the beginning of September. He’s been cruising the perimeter of rooms, scuttling around the furniture, and barrelling about the place behind his alligator pushcart these past two months, and two days ago, he finally got up the confidence to let go of a dining room chair and walk over to me in order to pester Griswald, who had settled on my lap for some well-deserved ear rubs.
For reference, here is the young chap two months ago, rockin’ the alligator pushcart. A birthday present from his Auntie Audrey, these gators have racked up some mileage. To wear Bubs out before bedtime, we frequently go down to the new pavement in front of the church at the foot of the street and “run laps” up and down the block. Even now that he can walk unaided, he still likes pushing the cart. It does make an amusing clattering noise as it goes.
The other Little Mister Big Boy moment we recently had was The First Haircut. Given how little hair he has, it wasn’t until he was about fifteen-and-a-half months old before he qualified for a haircut. Gone is the babymullet, replaced by a tidy #4-guard clipper job:
It’s since grown in a bit more, and now that it is all one length, it looks thicker and fuller. His hair is very nearly translucent, and I think it looks pretty cool, actually.
Based on recommendations from a friend, I have procured an ACME Idiot Trap for ensnaring the dimwitted fur-merchants that infest my house. As you can see, this trap is simple and effective and quite reasonably priced to boot. 100% satisfied, and pleased to provide further testimony as required.
I’ve been on a winning streak with the dumpster diving just lately. Found this embroidered jeans jacket in the West Bottoms on Monday.
This is legitimately a thing I’d buy and wear on purpose, so finding it in the trash is just a bonus. Free obnoxious clothing is serendipitous and appreciated.
Then, yesterday, I found these:
Again, things I would genuinely wear, even if I hadn’t found them in the neighbor’s trash. There were two other pair, chenille knee socks in pink and green, not photographed here because I am planning to use them for Fairly Stupid Sock Creature fodder. I bought myself that book last year and have every intention of making weird critters out of old socks and other knit goods.
I’m also experimenting with this blog. I’ve got it set up now to crosspost to Tumblr, where I’ve been blogging semi-regularly since March or April. Right now my Tumblr also reposts to this blog. That may become a pain in the arse; I am noticing fairly ugly formatting and some weird loops with other rebloggers’ commentary. We shall see if I leave my Tumblr to repost here (I may set it to crosspost original content only, not re-blogs). I need also to re-jigger my Twitter feed into the sidebar. Back when it worked properly, it was a feature I quite liked, as I use my Twitter usually to air oddball thoughts that aren’t really sufficient to develop into a blog post, but which amused me enough to bother logging on and typing out in 150 characters or fewer.
Also, here’s an artsy shot of the embroidery on the collar and back of my new jacket.
I am entirely too easily amused.
and how back in the day, they were kind of a shameful, naff affectation. The little “website under construction” GIF with the man and shovel, the e-mail GIF, with the little mailbox that flapped open and closed, the dancing baby, and the dancing hamsters. Everyone did it and everyone reviled each other for having done so (Internet, don’t never change).
But now animated GIFs are like completely freaking awesome and there are ones made from everyone’s favorite TV shows and movies, there are original animations mutated from classic paintings, animated comic strips, and so on. They are fun, entertaining, provocative, and the heart and soul of Tumblr.
Moreover, an animated GIF can sometimes say as much as a picture, and even then a little bit more.
I’d already been planning to make my son an amanita mushroom costume for this Halloween. Using a footie sleeper pattern for the main body of it, that’ll be done up in a light tan fleece, with an oversized, slightly padded beret in red with white spots appliqued on (and mittens also in red, so his hands look like little-bitty mushroom caps).
But today, while riding my bike (which is when I have most of my good ideas – or ideas, at any rate), it occurred to me that I should dress as a log. Since I am always carrying the little dude around on my hip, it would be a good visual joke, a mushroom growing on a log.
Sometimes I scare myself with my genius or whatever the crap it is.
Same baby, same car-seat, same pose, one year apart. On 7-13-13, we got to bring young Joseph home. The photo on the left was from his “car-seat-challenge” at the NICU, to make sure that his heart rate or breathing wouldn’t be hampered by being positioned in the car-seat. The photo on the right was from today, when Joseph zonked out in the car on the way home from the grocery, and I let him finish off his (abbreviated) afternoon nap all buckled in five-points style.