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Let’s talk weird a moment.

Suppose you work a quiet, busy, somewhat dull job in a file room somewhere. Suppose there is a large, fluffy, microfiber featherduster hanging on a corkboard in your office for no good reason. Suppose one of your co-workers brings in a child’s toy plastic sword that she might use with her Halloween costume. Now suppose the presence of the sword provoked much temptation and everyone who encountered the sword in the office felt compelled to brandish it and whack people with it.

Suppose you are me, and you get the idea to get the sword out of people’s reach and decorate the office at the same time, so you arrange the sword and the featherduster in an “X” shape on the corkboard and pronounce it the department coat of arms.

Two weeks pass. Occaionally people inquire about our distincitive and historical emblem, and I proundly tell them that it dates back to the gloamy mists of the Ides of September, when Kim brought in the sword for Sara to borrow, and we needed a safe place to put it where it wouldn not get broken, and that I thought it made a nice aesthetic companion to the featherduster, and it was all very gallant and legendary and romantical, of course. People laughed and went on their way.

Until yesterday, when my interim boss pulled me aside and said, “Michelle, this is kind of strange, but Big Boss got a complaint about your coat of arms, so I’m going to have to ask you to take it down. I don’t get it either, I thought it was a funny little morale-booster, but you never know what’s going to bug people.”

So lo, the Central File area is now devoid of our proud emblem and historic coat of arms. We’re in the market for a new, completely, un-misconstruably non-offensive mascot. Any suggestions?

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