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People who have met me within the past 6-7 years would never believe that I used to have ass-length hair.

I did.

For many, many, many years. The photos above were taken in 2002, the day before I got all of my hair cut off. At the time this photo was taken, it wasn’t even at its all time record length. About 6 months before the above pictures, it was actually to the bottom of my butt, and it was super-annoying. Trust me, nobody wants to accidentally tuck their hair into the waistband of their jeans. When it was this long, all I could do was have it in a big, fat braid anyway. It was too annoying, got in the way, made my neck sweat, and was too heavy to put up. It sucked.

This was the result, which basically sucked just as bad, but at least it didn’t take half of the day to dry. God, could I possibly have looked any more homely?

Because that haircut royally sucked, I never went back for maintenance trims. I let it go until it was like this:

That’s my favorite length that my hair has ever been. I could do a lot of cool stuff with it:

Then, like a dumbass, I went and cut bangs:

Neither of these photos gives you a true feeling for the fug that was my haircut, but I can assure you that I looked very, very dorky and not in the endearing hipster-dorky fashion. I HATED the bangs, and 24 hours later, I decided that the only way to salvage my dignity was to cut it all off and start all over.

It has been in some variation of that length since 2005, except for when I am trying to grow it out. Then it’s a bit mullety, then a bit bobby, then I completely lose my tiny little mind and cut it off WAY too much. At New Years ’07 and ’08, I overdid my haircut and then had to go around looking, as I characterized it a couple of days ago, like the token homely kid in a boyband.

Growing it out always involves some awkward moments:

So, I am at that almost-a-bob stage right now, and it mostly looks like an angry broody hen is perched on my head, puffing out her wings and looking belligerent.
My hair sucks
It sticks out funny at the sides.
My hair sucks
The back often looks bunchy, tufty, and weird, too.
I have a ponytail that looks like a pullet's butt.
Moreover, it’s still too short to really put back in a ponytail and have it stay there. Also, said ponytail looks like a pullet’s butt.

I know that if I am patient, and don’t get scissor happy, it will grow, it will get long enough to put in a ponytail, or arrange into an actual hairdo. It won’t suck forever. But it kind of sucks right now, and right now is when I am annoyed. I’m getting kind of tired of mainly looking like I was pulled through a hedge backwards.

I think I get annoyed with my hair this time of the year because of a combination of static electricity, the winter blahs, and the fact that my hair has grown enough since the last butcher-job I inflicted upon it. I’m trying to leave it be, though, because I’d love for it to get down to shoulder-length or a little longer. That was a good length; I could style it, or I could be a lazy bum and just stick it in a ponytail. It’s nice to have options other than headband, barrettes, or angry chicken.

Oh, and since I am bent on humiliating myself today, I should post the pictures of the natural disaster I crafted with my own hair. Unfortunately, this hairsplosion took place at my sister’s wedding, and I felt like a total jerk for looking like a lunatic while I was bridesmaiding, but Audrey was not offended, and I don’t think I frightened any of the other bridesmaids or attendees too badly:

After several hours of enthusiastic dancing at the reception, my hair finally resembled when I’d intended for it to look like at the wedding proper:

8 Responses to “My hair is getting on my nerves”

  1. kismet says:

    Here’s my suggestion:

    Pay someone who you know does good haircuts to shape your almostbob. That will probably involve some layering and stuff just to keep the chicken tame. Show them what you’re eventually aiming for (I agree that’s an awesome length on you), and tell them you can’t afford constant trims so you need the best shaping you can get for extended growth. If you went to the lady who cuts my hair, she’d try her best to help you.

    I’ve gone from bob to shoulder length and back a number of times, and if you can swing it, having a pro help you with the shaping once or twice during the growth phase really, really improves your state of mind about the hair.

  2. Celia says:

    My hair is bugging me, too. The second haircut after I cut it short was a bad idea, and it never looks good to me now. I will be growing it out.

    Have been noticing that, now that I no longer have long hair, I still expect women with long hair to “recognize” me as “being like them” and they don’t, they look right through me. It makes me think all over again about what an impression our physical looks make. I look like a librarian, instead of a poet? Perhaps.

  3. niki says:

    I second kismet’s suggestion on finding someone you trust. It wasn’t until finding a decent stylist that I was able to grow my hair out. I’d get frustrated at a certain length, usually chin length, then chop it all off.

  4. Heidi says:

    Oh I hear ya on the hair issues. Mine was growing out a lot and was the longest it had been in years and I was just talked into getting it cut. I was aiming for a a sling cut/bob, where my hair was a little shorter in the back and angled down to just under my chin in the front. I dont’ know what the hell I actually got, but the left side of my hair is a good inch shorter than the right side. And the back just looks fugly.

    The only real advice I have for you is to find someone you trust to shape your hair into more of a bob. Kismet is wise, listen to her. Finding someone good has always been hard for me. After years of going to the same (expensive) person, she went to a new salon and I think finally quit cutting hair because she won’t get back to me. So I’ve been getting bad haircuts and then letting them grow for months before I do it again. It’s a horrible cycle.

    Sorry for the novel here, I just totally feel ya. My hair looks almost exactly like yours right now after PAYING someone to make it look better. I am so sad I could cry. Good luck with yours. I really like the way your hair looked when it was below the shoulders – and I loved all the neat things you did with it.

  5. meetzorp says:

    I may look into that once I have a new job. My hair looks so awful so much of the time, so it sure would be nice to get it fixed.

    Of course, finding a decent hairdresser who won’t do something weirder to my head is quite another project. I may just tough out looking odd and poofy for another three or four months.

  6. meetzorp says:

    I never really felt that way after I cut off my hair. It was more of a sense of relief to have done with that goddamn mop.

  7. meetzorp says:

    Hair is quite the ordeal sometimes, isn’t it? Sucks about the chop job your hairdresser did to you. That’s why I’m hesitant to try to go to a hairdresser to mitigate my current flyaway, puffy, goofy-looking mess of a haircut. I have a real concern about coming out looking worse than I went in…or getting it way too short and setting back my growing-out project that much more.

  8. SewDucky says:

    I got mine vut like the gal from Chocolat and it was sort of a mess at the time (a year of growing) and I had a hairdresser once do a through job of telling me what exactly to look for/ask in a hairstyle. While I like the cut, I’m ready to chop it all off again too, so I totally sympathize.

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