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And I’m not counting the fact that I can’t sing for shit.

The five reasons I can’t and won’t do Karaoke are that basically, the only songs I know well enough to sing are:

1. meant to be sung horribly
2. really annoying
3. socially inappropriate
4. too obscure to be on a Karaoke playlist
5. the best of all possible worlds: all of the above.

To illustrate:

1. Mother’s Lament – Cream

Meant to be sung badly, socially inappropriate, obscure 3/5

2. Woo-Hoo – The 5-6-7s

Annoying, obscure 2/5

3. Alienation’s For The Rich – They Might Be Giants
Alienation’s For The Rich
This one is so obscure apparently that there aren’t even any shitty FMVs on You Tube using this as the backing track. Obscure, semi-socially inappropriate 1.5/5

4. Lake Of Fire – The Meat Puppets

Meant to be sung badly, obscure, semi-socially-inapproprate 2.5/5

5. Boobs A Lot – The Fugs

annoying, socially inappropriate, meant to be sung badly, obscure…this song is the supreme winner and most important reason why I should never be allowed near a karaoke machine after a drink or two. Because I would think it was funny and a good idea to sing the boobs-a-lot song, and I’m pretty sure that it would all end in a serious breach of the peace.

Edited to add:

5.5 Dead Kennedys – Too Drunk To Fuck

Need I say more? This hits all of the qualifications. Rude lyrics, not popular enough to be on the Karaoke machine, made to be sung by someone who can’t sing, even slightly annoying. This song makes me happy beyond all belief.

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