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More of the usual at work today. Up before even insane roosters venture abroad. Listen to confused requests muttered unintelligibly into a truly dodgy electronic recording device. Set up inspections, take complaints, set up inspecitons, issue Temporary Certificates of Occupancy, set up inspections, dodge the minefield of moody co-workers.

So, since my life is currently monotonous and irritating, I have taken to daydreaming about oddball things whenever the phone isn't ringing, or I am not speaking into it. (I think fast)

One of my fancies is a Martha-Stewart style daily advice blurb, but instead of classy, crafty, sugar-and-spice household hints and inspirational rah-rahing, it will all be totally ludicrous, untenable ideas, that exist solely for surreality's sake.

Without further ado, here's today's utterly useless domestic advice:

To Remedy Dingy Buttocks

Hot bran mash, as administered to chickens during the more inclement winter months doubles admirably as a polish for restoring the sheen on a pair of human buttocks. You may wonder as to the advisability or even necessity for polishng your posterior, but I can assure you, a well-buffed fundament reflects a genteel being of proper and hygienic habits.

In order to determine whether your bottom is lacking the grace and finish it requires, procure a full length mirror and back up to it, sans-culotte. If your buttocks display a seemly sheen, the resulting refraction should be reflected again by the mirror and show against the opposing wall. If no such glare is present, then you would be well off to secure a large tub of hot bran mash and deposit your nether regions therein and agitate them continuously for 10 minutes, no more, no less. Remove the surplus mash with a rubber spatula, and rinse the buttocks thoroughly with white cider vinegar. The shine procured by this method can not be matched nor surpassed by any other rump-polishing means.

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