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1. Does the cafeteria truly need to sell such stank breakfasts so early in the day? I took the elevator up to the 18th floor, where I work, and had to ride 10 of the 18 floors with a couple of ladies who had gotten something foully eggy from the caf. I loathe eggs under the best of circumstances, and being enclosed in a small metal box at 7:45 a.m. with two ladies bearing Styrofoam trays of some nasty egg-laden slurry is far from the best of circumstances. I felt particularly barfy. I can't imagine how horrifying it is for pregnant women with morning sickness. Equally gross is that the floors above and below the cafeteria stink of cafeteria food all the time. When I take the stairs up and down, I get to feeling a little gaggy between 7 and 9, especially before 10:00 a.m. Sometimes their lunch food smells pretty good, but the breakfast food just yuks me out.

2. Still on the topic of elevators, I must confess to hating the security camera in there. It's spiteful. It ruins what could otherwise be an excellent bolthole for the un-wedging of wedgies. Yes, there are restrooms, and yes, I avail myself of those facilities, but sometimes a wedgie comes upon me at inopportune moments (though honestly, is there ever an opportune time for a wedgie?), and I didn't used to be averse to adjusting my underpants in the elevator until I noticed the security camera up in the corner of the elevator ceiling. Dagnabbit! The guards may well have seen worse, but nonetheless, I'd prefer they not witness my less-than-subtle adjustments. Nowadays, I'm always tempted to pick a big old booger and flick it at the camera. Because I'm mature like that.

3. Why do buttoned-flies even still exist? The zipper is clearly superior technology, and yet we continue to be plagued by inefficient and unsightly button-flies. They always look kind of lumpy, and certainly don't lend to the speed of donning or doffing the trousers. So, if they don't look good or function conveniently, why do we even bear with them?

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