Feed on

Talking Pants

I read Mimi Smartypants’s latest entry the other day and got to thinking about the ridiculous text on things.

The one that came to mind immediately was from a pair of pants I no longer own – the brand name was “Dream Big,” and a little piece of embroidered ribbon proclaimed such on one of the back pockets. Then, as now, I rather doubted the wisdom of encouraging my butt to “dream big.”

Because of my most recent self-inflicted tonsorial desecrations, I’m now obligated to apply a significant glob of pomade to my hair each day to make it look like this hedgehoggy trainwreck on my head is intentional. The goo I’m currently using is called “Playful,” from Göt2B. I bought it because it smelled better than the (cheaper) Garnier Fructis pomade. I love the way Garnier stuff works, but it smells like concentrated Jolly Rancher and therefore clashes with ANY perfume or scent I might actually be inclined to use.

Speaking of Göt2B, they make this “spiking Glue” which looks almost exactly like semen. It has exactly the same texture, only much unlike semen, it has a delightful citrus scent and is recommended for forming elaborate neo-punk-rock hairstyles.

Anyway, the “Playful” was bought because I couldn’t countenance purchasing a product called “Imagine,” (the other pomade that smelled pretty good) because Beatles-induced rage and profanity are not the way I like to start my days.

But on the topic of imagination, Scünci, the brand which brought us the once-ubiquitous and now-reviled Scrunchie hair tie, has the tagline “Dream, Imagine, Create” on their packages of hairdo accessories, which I think is a bit above the call of necessity. Considering you aren’t doing much beyond pinning back chunks of hair with ornamental bits of metal and plastic. Not a lot of creation happening really, and if you dream about or spend hours imagining ways to stick sparkly plastic gizzies in your hair…that’s a little sad. I’m a HUGE proponent of hair gizzies, don’t get me wrong, but I feel the use thereof should be relatively spontaneous and not require extensive strategic planning.

And another digression! Scünci – I’m a pretty big fan of hairdo accessories, as I mentioned just a couple of lines ago. I’ve had a lot of hair to cope with for a long time and the proliferation of spring-loaded, hinged hair-clippies has been a total bonus for me. Scünci actually makes a line of clips specifically designed for thick hair, and unlike the curse of purportedly wide-width shoes, the Scünci big-hair gizzies actually do accommodate an unusually prodigious quantity of hair. Also, they use unnecessary umlauts, which appeals to my metal side. As a Mötley Crüe and Mötorhead (and Spın̈al Tap) enthusiast, I am unnecessarily charmed by flagrantly misused umlauts.

Maybe that was a subconscious vote in favor of the Göt2B….I just realized they’re umlauty, too. It smells good, makes my hairstyle look intentional, and has umlauts on the packaging.

There is something seriously wrong with my brainmeats, I’m sure.

2 Responses to “Talking Pants”

  1. SewDucky! says:

    LOL I use Got2B Smooth Operator leave in conditioner stuff, and they have good products. Otherwise, I use hair wax from Murray’s and Aqua Net. I use cheap ass old fashioned hair pins for the rest of it (I got a obscene amount of them over the years because my hair is both thick and I know old people and unlike bobby pins, these will actually hold my hair up. And they’re cheap.)

    Yes, my 80s mall hair Jr. High days and love of old people show.

  2. SewDucky! says:

    I write for a living, and still manage to drop on the n on most of the crap I write. “An obscene amount”.

Leave a Reply