Seriously not safe for work. This post features content of a dirty, big rubber penis I found alongside of the road. I hope you consider this fair warning.
Yes, that is totally what it appears to be. A grubby, brown rubber cock, propped against the curb.
The cock is basically across the street from where the corn used to be:
Corn – 2009
Cock – 2010
(In case you can’t spot the cock, it’s about 2′ ahead of the front bicycle wheel.)
I tell ya, this shit’s a good reason to ride a bicycle as a major means of transportation. How often do you see rubber willies out the window of your car? It’s also one of the reasons I almost always have a camera handy. People wouldn’t believe my stories if I couldn’t back them up with photographic evidence.
Cock vs. Doc. (for reference I wear a UK6, which is a US8, which is not exactly a dainty and delicate little foot).
This rubber todger has been reposing in the gutter for about the past three weeks. The first time I spotted it, I thought it was just a chunk of tread off a semi tire. The next time I sort of noticed it, I thought it might be the boot off an emergency brake lever. Like so. The third time it caught my eye, I thought, “you know, that thing really does look worryingly like a disembodied penis.” So I stopped to check it out, as one does.
And lo, would you even believe it? It seriously and really is a rubber cock. No shittin’! I rode past it daily for like two weeks before it occurred to me that I ought to take a picture or two. I have also showed the rubber member to Joel and to our friend Brett, who had the distinctly mixed fortune to ride home with us a few nights ago. I’m considering it a bit of a landmark and point of interest these days.
I’m also considering it a bit of a science experiment. I am going to kind of track it to see how long that rubber dick will actually stay in the gutter. I seriously doubt anyone will pick it up and carry it away, so I expect it to stick around until snowplow season at least. And it may just get buried under scraped up snow and re-emerge triumphant to blossom in all its rubbery cockitude come springtime.
The presence of this rubber penis raises a lot of questions which basically boil down to “Why?” “How?” and “What the hell?” I have to wonder whose rubber penis it is, why they chose to discard it on 9th Street, if they miss it, and what the hell they were doing one block off James Street flinging rubber cocks around. Was it some teenagers waving their wobbly willy out of a car window and dropped it and were unable to recover it? Was it some jaded masturbator, seized with a fit of ennui, who dashed his/her old, accustomed, tiresome dildo to the curb in a fit of pique? Was it an artificial-penis-based prankster who is randomly peppering the countryside with mysterious penises? The possible scenarios are limitless and almost universally silly.
Thinking maybe a sex toy which has too many memories now…I knew someone who sliced up all the sex toys she’d used with her lover and decorated the ex’s car with them when the lover cheated.
Of course, what does one do with a toy no longer required? Can’t exactly pitch it to Goodwill…
Dude, that’s raunchy as hell. And more than a little bit psycho.
I suppose one could use superannuated sex toys in the context of an art project or something, but I still think that’s raunchy as hell.
I’d say if you’ve worn out your faux phallus, you should probably dispose of it in a reasonably discreet and sanitary fashion.
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