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let alone many guns which would necessitate an entire rack.”

I have a bit of a makeup problem in the sense that I have many pouches, cases, and other containers devoted to the convenient storage thereof, but relatively little makeup to store in them. I have, at last count, two eyeshadow compacts, three individual eye shadow discs, four lipsticks and two eyeliner pencils. I also have a tube of mascara coming on order from Avon. All of this fits pretty handily in one of the drawers of my Sterilite three-drawer organizer that mainly houses my formidable hair-clippie collection. For while I am lackadaisical about the facial spackle, I’m probably overly enthusiastic about hair ornaments.

Anyway, as I was saying in my excessive and prolix way, I have a lot of makeup pouches and suchlike and not a lot of makeup. So I like to make use of the shit I have around, and I have a specific and minute mania for organization. On the macro level, I am a chaotic slob, but on the micro level, I can be quite organized if the resources are right and the stars are aligned.

Recently, I took it upon myself to organize my backpack.

I have a tendency to carry entirely too much crap in my backpack, so I decided to weed it down to the essentials, then package them up conveniently, so that anything else rattling around in my bag could easily be identified and eliminated when and as necessary.

I solved two problems at once, too; I put to use some of the unused makeup bags that had been floating around, and I got my backpack into pretty good order.

It even has a bicycle on it....
I really like Clinique’s Black Honey “Almost Lipstick” tinted lipgloss. It is the bim-bomb-diggedy. A while back I bought a new tube of this wondrous goo because I’d used up my previous one, and they were doing some sort of promotional deal where they threw in this little zip bag with some moisturizer samples in it. I wasn’t especially swayed; I’d just as soon stick with my Aveeno “Positively Radient” which is way cheaper and also sunscreeny, but I thought the bag was kind of cute…it even has a bicycle on it! It now houses my first aid supplies, comprising a small ziplock full of assorted band aids, another containing aspirin and advil, a travel bottle of hand sanitizer, a few tampons, toothpaste, tooth brush, safety pins, pocket knife, and citronella oil.

Toolkit & inner-tube bag.
The little clear-and-aqua windowpane check bag dates back to my highschool days; I used to use it to carry shampoo, conditioner, and deodorant for Gym class. Now, it is full to the gizzard with inner tubes for any bike I could conceivably find myself riding. The other bag is The Prettiest Toolkit Ever! It has rhinestones on it.

Pretty, pretty toolkit!
It had originally contained some lavender scented bath products and one of those fluffy shower-gell-puffer-things. The bath products have long since been enjoyed, and the fluffy puffer thingy has been destroyed by the cats. Now, this handy-dandy little bag contains patch kits, tire levers, a crescent wrench, some Tri-Flo oil, a multitool, and yet another road tube.

It’s so much easier to find stuff when I need it, and I’m finally getting some good use out of these little pouches.

And now on to my next fab re-purposing.

I found a Caboodles the other day. About a million years ago, when I was in Junior High in the early 1990s, these things were considered the schizznit. Many of my girlfriends had them, to better store and tote their stashes of Scrunchies and Love’s Baby Soft. I never had one, preferring my hot-pink-and-teal Gitano overnight bag for such duties. All the same, I recognized the general niftiness of these glorified, color-coordinated tackleboxes.

Anyway, the other day I was taking Ruby on her daily run, and we were trolling the back alleys of the West Bottoms (lots of things to sniff and piddle on) when I spied something hot pink that looked promising. Lo, it was a vintage Caboodle!

IMG_2285

I couldn’t really conscience leaving it there in the alley behind IMG_1273“>the very private club so I dug around in the trash heap a little more, found a piece of coaxial cable, and tied the Caboodle to my package rack. I wasn’t 100% sure what I’d use it for, but it was too good of a bit of detritus to pass up.

Well, when I got home with it, I realised that it would be way better for storing my thread than the old Searsonite travel case I’d been using:
This box still smells like Vitamins.
Plus, also, this Samsonite-knockoff smells strongly of vitamins. I guess the previous owner used to store their iron pills and other nostrums in here.

IMG_2286
When I got done sorting, de-tangling, and re-winding, this was the end result. Highly satisfying, and now I can find pretty much any color I might have occasion to need. Whoot!

Now I need to find a good use for the old blue case that smells like vitamins. I’m sure it will come to me eventually, and in the meantime, it stows nicely under the futon in my office.

Quit humping my tire

Man, oh man, yesterday I had two flats at once and it was a pain in the ass.

I picked up some goat-head thorns during one of Ruby’s and my excursions into the West Bottoms. The dog likes to run, and I don’t, so what we do to compromise is I leash her up and we roll down to the bike/ped bridge into the Bottoms and then cruise up and down the alleys in the bottoms for a little bit until she gets the naughties worn off.

She’ll run flat out across the bridge and well into the bottoms…she’s been known to keep up a steady gallop until we reach the halfway house that’s probably a mile and a half from our house. Then she slows to a four-beat trot that she’ll carry on for another two miles before she starts to show signs of flagging.

The other day, City crews had been mowing alongside the walkway just east of the bridge, and a lot of the trimmings and crud were heaped up on the walkway. Apparently, there were burrs hiding in the chopped up vegetation, and some of them worked their way into my tires.

I noticed my front tire getting low on my way to work, but it was a slow leak and I was able to make it in to the office. I mean to go out to the library on my lunch break, so I figured I’d just change the tube then.

Well, by the time my lunch break rolled around, my bike was sitting on two flats. So I pulled the tires and found the tubes had been Swiss Cheezed by a good half-dozen thorns each. Moreover, somehow or another, my pocket knife which I always keep in my toolkit had gone missing. I didn’t have any needle-nose pliers or even any tweezers, so I was kind of screwed.

I went back into the office to see if any of my co-workers had tweezers, but when they heard I wanted to use them to dig thorns out of my bike tires, they were less than willing to admit to tweezer-ownership. Goodness only knows why! They suggested I ask the maintenance guys if they had some needle-nose pliers I could borrow.

I went down to the maintenance shop and learned that while they do have some needle-nose pliers, their needle-nose pliers are roached and were certainly unfit for plucking thorns out of a 28C road tire, Moreover, I also was reminded why I hate to ask most guys for anything related to tools and fixing things.

Because so many guys get all grabby and want to butt in and take over when their help is neither wanted or needed. Before you know it, three different guys were hovering over my tire jabbing at it ineffectually with blunted needle-nose pliers. When one guy started prying at my tire with a flat-head screwdriver and another suggested a pair of wire-clippers, I got a bit shirty and insisted they hand my tire back. If anyone was going to ruin my tire, I’d just as soon it be me.

I eventually managed to get the thorns picked out by misusing a large-sized safety pin and a lot of cuss words. And when I got home, Joel gave me a spare pocket knife that is quite a few steps superior to my old one, so I’m ready for the next time I need a knife.

Spring fever?

I let Minnie outside for a little while today.

om nom nom nom

Griswald is banned from the Great Outdoors because he always gets “the call of the wild” and tries to break for broader and greener pastures. Then I have to chase all over the neighborhood trying to recapture him. Also, he is very, very, very stupid and will get himself stuck and/or lost and I have to track him down by his howling and hysterics. Then he scratches the bejezus out of me when I rescue him and I have to restrain myself from grabbing his tail and grabbing his snoot and tying him into a gigantic furry knot.

So, only Minnie gets outside privileges, and even then, she must be monitored, ’cause you really can trust a cat only as far as you can see her, and we do live near a very busy street.

IMG_2215

Fortunately for both Minnie and me, Minnie is not an ambitious cat. Her sole objective, once out of doors, is to find the nearest clump of grass and ingest as much of it as possible. She’ll guzzle grass until she’s full to the gizzard. Then, I will let her inside, and she will hork up wads of undigested herbage in random heaps around the house.


Nom x infinity


I hate it when I’m right.

Ruby was out at the same time, and engaged in a little friendly cat-heckling.
back to bothering the cat
Looming

Yes, there is currently a bathtub in our backyard
Cornering her in our “new” bathtub.

This passes for friendly games between these two.
Getting mouthy.


Aaaaand an action-shot of cat-heckling.

This is one way we can amuse ourselves around here on a lovely springtime afternoon.

Joel cut my hair for me recently. I’d gotten into the old ponytail rut, and there’s not much less flattering than a ponytail on me.

I’d long admired Ichii Sayaka’s haircut, especially from the Chokotto Love era of Pucchi Moni:


For reference, she’s the girl with the short, choppy hairdo, mostly in the center of the choreography.

So, I found a bunch of pictures where you could get a good look at her hairstyle and showed them to Joel.
Ichii Sayaka's cute choppy haircut

We looked up a few instruction pages for hair cutting online, and last Tuesday, I sharpened up my best sewing scissors and asked Joel to make free with my hair.

Holy crap!  Bangs!!!
OMG! BANGS! I haven’t intentionally worn bangs for about five years…a bad case of bangs precipitated one of my many forays into home-made haircuts. But this time, the bangs are more subtly administered. I’m not working the furry forehead mat look this time, and I can brush them to the sides or pin them up if I want to feel the breeze on my forehead.

IMG_2250
I wash my hair at night before I go to bed, so I usually wake up with some odd shapes. I’ve decided to just work with my bedhead, by creatively placing clips, barrettes, or decorative bobby pins, so that it looks intentional. So today the bangs are pinned back, since they were parting to the sides anyway.

Nice and tufty, just the way I like it!
I feel like the back of my head is the true masterpiece of this haircut. It’s so beautifully tufty, just how I like it. I just have to riffle a little pomade through it, turn my head upside down and rough it up, and it is good to go.

I have “Teflon hair,” in all honesty. I can do pretty much whatever I want to it, and it will be about the same. Springy. A little unruly. A haircut like this, where it is supposed to be kind of messy is probably the best bet for me. Also, it recovers from the bike helmet fairly gracefully. I just fluff it up, maybe moosh a little more hair goo in it, and I’m presentable for the office.

When I was in college, I worked as a “housekeeper” at a Super 8. Mostly, it was a pretty crappy job. The manager was a freaky, uptight racist, the customers tended to leave a godawful mess, the pay was pathetic, and I had to get up way earlier than is constitutionally congenial to me.

There was, however, one significant perk to the position. You might call it “the rule of Finders-Keepers.”

Now if a customer left behind something important or expensive we had to turn it in to lost-and-found, but if it was something consumable, like shampoo or a (wrapped) candy bar, it was fair game. I worked at that job for two summers and I didn’t buy shampoo for myself for nearly three years. Sometimes people left behind “the cheap 99-cent kind,” but sometimes they left behind good stuff…Aveda or Toni & Guy. All of us cleaning ladies would compare notes and if I got something I couldn’t use (like dry-hair conditioner) I’d probably be able to swap it up with somebody who got a bottle of clarifying shampoo that would wreck their hair.

One thing I can tell you from my years of shampoo smorgasbord is that there really isn’t any appreciable different among brands of shampoo. The only real difference is the scent. A conditioning shampoo from the cheap brand is as good as conditioning shampoo from an expensive brand. It will be different from a clarifying shampoo…but only because of the difference between clarifying versus conditioning, not because of any real difference between one brand and another.

Suave used to have an “Aloe Vera” formula that smelled really good. Pantene’s scent used to be really nice until about 1997…then they changed it to a much stronger and vaguely fruity scent that I really don’t enjoy. Most of the shampoos (at least the ones you can get at the grocery store) have gone to really strong and fruity-ish scents that really bug me. Even the so-called floral scents smell like a Jolly Rancher. Bleh.

If and when I can get it for cheap, I really like Paul Mitchell products. They don’t have too much scent, and the scent they have is pretty unobtrusive. My hair-good du jour is Paul Mitchell Wax Works.

The truth is that I can wash my hair with pretty much whatever I want and the end result is the same. On Joel’s and my big cross-country adventure, I regularly washed it with Dawn dish soap or the rank pink hand goo in gas-station bathrooms. It was none the worse for the wear. The only thing that seems to disagree with my nearly-indestructible hair is bar soap. If the soap is liquid, be it shower gel, dish soap, hand soap, or official shampoo, it is fine, but if the soap comes in a solid chunk, it seems to render my hair tangly, rough, and ratty.

I had a really good dinner tonight. It was another festival of garbanzo beans (I’ve really been digging the garbanzo beans lately…also I keep trying to spell it been, and may just go ahead and end up doing that)

I had a sack of red lentils that needed to be used up, so I cooked them down as for dhal but I accidentally made it a little runny, so I cooked it down longer until it had the consistency of gravy. Then I seasoned it with a packet of Parampara Biryani Mix (which is DELICIOUSSSSS) and added a can of garbanzo beans and let the lot of it simmer for the suggested 15 minutes.

Because the quantity of dhal was excessive in relation to the contents of the spice packet, I had to add two teaspoons of salt and a tablespoon of lemon juice, but the finished flavor is really good. The fragrant biryani spices mix well with the slightly sweet lentils and the earthy garbanzo beans.

I had some on basmati rice, and will be taking this for my lunch for the next couple of days.

On being a butthole:

Cycling advocacy wonks like to call it “taking the lane.”

I call it “riding in the fuck-you-position.” Also, “cockblocking.”

As in, “that meatus in the Lexus who acted he like was going to run me over in the intersection was pretty pissed when I pulled into the ‘fuck you position’ and cock-blocked him for about a quarter of a mile.”

Most of the time, I gutterbunny it. I hardly ever “take the lane,” ‘cept when it’s clearly and egregiously unsafe if someone tries to squeak past me…or if I really need to piss somebody off. I hardly EVER have people fuck with me, no matter where I ride. I can go weeks and weeks and weeks without even a “stay on the sidewalk” or a too-close pass. I get a little more hassle on Friday nights, especially in the summer, but on the whole, I have a hard time really buying all of the supposed hate that these guys seem to experience. Maybe all that hi-viz yellow is to motorists what red is to bulls.

I generally try not to gratuitously be a dick when I’m out and about on the road anyway. I don’t want to be remembered as that asshole on the bike. Kansas City is a pretty small world and I’d hate like hell to have one act of petty passive aggression (cockblock) be my undoing!

All hail St. Stupid!

I decided to not do the Dirty Kanza 200 this year. As it turns out, I really didn’t have that much fun the last two times I did it, and for pity’s sake, riding 200 miles alone on the dusty dirt roads of the Ass-Back of Kansas is optional.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to devote some of the swaths of time I would otherwise have spent having a panic attack about DK200 to making this year’s Trashboat Regatta bigger, better, and trashier than last year.

To that end, I’m working out plans for a good after-party location, designing and constructing “prizes” and making a guest list of people I think might be interested and could really rock the boat good and hard!

I’m also “re-dedicating” myself to my “religion.”

I love joke religions. I’ve vaguely tried on a few for size…Pastafarianism has its attractions, especially the celebration of Talk Like A Pirate Day as a high holy day. Discordianism in theory has a certain elegant absurdity about it, but in practice seems to generally dissolve into a smarmy in-joke.

Being as I don’t officially belong to any religion whatsoever, I can basically celebrate what ever the hell I want to. I’m thinking of throwing a St. Stupid’s Day Parade…obviously not this year since it’s already practically April First, but maybe next year. Basically celebrating and embracing the foolishness of humanity is something I can get behind…and how!

Inasmuch as my newfound religious zeal goes, it’s entirely an excuse for throwing more idiotic parties. It’s amply been proven than I am a catalyst for extremely dumb festivities, so I figure I should use my powers for good. I’m happy to celebrate just about anything up to and including Ugly Pickup Truck Day. I really can’t see why more people don’t.

Since the weather has gotten all balmy & shit, I’m thinking that a Chariot Race is in order. So stay tuned for partial excitement!

Sometimes when I cook dinner and I’m really hungry, I get into a Sveeedish Scheff-like herndy-herndy-bork-bork-borkfrenzy and just start bunging things into a pot and eating the resultant mess.

Sometimes, the result is actually way more delicious than it has any good reason to be, and last night’s pot-of-random-hot-food was one of those serendipitous meals.
Last night I got home RAVENOUS. My lunch at work was a failure. Somebody snaked my last veggie burger pattie out of the freezer, so all I had was an 8-oz lemon yogurt and a grapefruit. On my ride back home, I completely lost the bunny right where Central Avenue and James Street intersect. For the last half mile or so back up to the house I was running on empty, and all up-hill! So of course by the time I got home, I was completely ravenous.

We had a couple of cans of garbanzo beans in the cupboard and frankly, I was considering just eating plain beans, but I realized that was kind of a dumb (also selfish) idea, since Joel would be coming home in time for dinner. So I decided to make a sort of garbanzo-based goulash to serve over rice.

While the rice was cooking, I minced a large yellow onion very finely and sautéed it in olive oil. Then I pureed a can of stewed tomatoes and added it to the sautéed onions along with a couple of minced cloves of garlic. Then I put in a couple of teaspoons of chili powder, a goodly squirt of Siracha sauce, two 12-oz cans of garbanzo beans, a diced stalk of celery and a teaspoon of Better Than Bouillon paste. I let the whole mess simmer for about 15 minutes, by which time the rice was ready.

It wasn’t a beautiful dish, but it was very tasty and it totally hit the spot. Plus, since I made such a vat of it, Joel and I were able to take the leftovers for lunch today. With all the protein and fiber in this kind of meal, it really sticks with you. Instead of getting snacky at 3:00 p.m., I was still going strong when I clocked out at 5:00!

I’m thinking of other beans-sauce-and-grain dishes that I will concoct soon. I want to make more lentils, since they cook quickly and also I really like them. I’m thinking of serving things on quinoa or bulgar sometimes, too. Might as well experiment since this kind of cooking is so easy.

Total Dork

I don’t write for ages, don’t do anything of any discernable value, and then come in here and do this:


Apparently, this guy is the guy we can blame for Hooked On A Feeling. It’s way different with an electric sitar instead of ooga-chackas.


Then, in 1971 this enormous dork improved it immeasurably with a bunch of oooga-chackas.


And of course, in 1974, these Swedish dorks make it REALLY famous.


And somehow, David Hasselhoff managed to make it even weirder. He was probably drunk.


Sorority Girl version.


If there was any symmetry in this world, the Demon Divas would date A Whole Step Up.

I’ll probably write something a little more…less-made-of-idiotic-music-videos soonishly. My brains haven’t been worth much just lately. But I’m doing a bunch of sewing, so at least there will be something to take pictures of in the near future.

Fancier Pigeons

I’ve been slightly obsessed with pigeons today and spent more time than I should admit reading Wikipedia entries about Feral Pigeons, (basically no-longer-domesticated Rock Doves), Wood Pigeons, which have a really cute voice, and the master list of types of doves and pigeons.

I reckon a couple of events brought on my miniature fascination with all things Columbidae today. First, there’s the fact that Joel boxed in the soffits of the front porch, effectively blocking off an ad-hoc pigeon coop. When the soffits were still accessible, a couple of pigeons set up housekeeping in there and were industriously making more pigeons and crapping all over the front porch. Joel has since removed the birds and blocked their access to the soffit, so now they’re hanging around in the neighbor’s gutters and grumbling.

Pigeons are horny little fuckers. They’ll basically keep on reproducing as long as there is sufficient food around, and considering that they’ll eat damn near anything, there’s pretty much never a shortage of food, so there’s never a shortage of pigeons either.

Because pigeons are horny, they’re always running around trying to get laid and I’m here to tell you there’s not a whole lot that’s funnier than a pigeon trying to pull.

It’s like, “hey baby…my neck’s really big…like something else!!!

On my way to work on this beautiful spring morning, I rode through the bottoms and saw pigeons spinning around and chasing each other with their necks all puffed out. It made my day by making me laugh first thing in the morning.

There are a few rather pretty pinkish buff pigeons I see scattered amongst the normal grey/blue/black ones, and I wondered if they were just mutants, or if there was a specific breed of pigeon that was meant to be brown. Apparently, they’re just a color variant with in the Rock Dove type, so they’re little feathery brown mutants.

And speaking of mutants, here are some of the more interesting (and by interesting I mean completely weird) breeds of domesticated pigeons:


Roller Pigeons. They’re specifically bred for their stuntman flight patterns which may be the result of a bit of neurological mis-wiring.

But even more defective is the variant they call a Parlor Roller:


Fan-Tail pigeons

I’d like to state right now that the only thing funnier than regular pigeons trying to get lucky is a couple of fan-tail pigeons getting their flirt on:


Pouter Pigeon


Laughing Dove – not strictly a fancy pigeon, but I couldn’t pass up this little critter’s crazy voice.

But really I’m saving the best for last. This is the kind of oxymoron that I couldn’t make up if I tried. There’s a breed of “utility pigeon,” which is an euphemism for “pigeon meant to be eaten” called an American Giant Runt. Could anything possibly surpass the name American Giant Runt? I’m sure it could, but you’d go a long way to find that sort of a capper.

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